Clownmommy

When I was preparing to begin a blog of my own, in my random  cyber-wanderings I came across a blog that made me laugh. It wasn’t the wit of the writer, it was the subject matter.  A man, a professional athlete had just become a proud stay-at-home-dad.  His blog bragged about how smoothly his day went.  He got up early and got in a good workout before his wife went to her job. Then he managed the care and feeding of the baby all day, accomplishing other tasks and getting in more exercise while the baby slept.  He didn’t know why people complain about how hard it is to stay home with a child. There are no further posts. 

I don’t want to be one of those people who start a blog and don’t continue.  But, I also don’t want to chat and vent and whine.  I want to write about what I do or try to do making my way as a theatrical clown in New York City at the same time as I am a “stay-at-home-mom”  although apparently unable to stay home for more than a few hours at a time. Granted My Kid is in school now (except she’s not now–summer vacation has begun both “Finally!!!!!” and “Already???”) so it’s not like she’s a baby or a toddler.  But, it did seem that going on the science field trip, attending the Second Grade Field Day, the Brownie Girl Scout Badge Ceremony and taking cupcakes to her class in honor of her “summer birthday” not to mention, the cleaning, that I don’t do enough of, but spend a lot of time stressing about and the cooking, that I don’t do enough of but spend a lot of time stressing about, and the laundry, that I don’t do enough of but spend a lot of time stressing about, and the hanging out on the playground so that she can run and play (before the summer becomes too hot), during which time I think to myself:  ”Surely there must be some high school or college student who could do this instead of me”.  Except that it was lucky for me to be there talking to the other moms on the playground when it was decided to organize a week of Mommy Camp for those of us who haven’t registered our kids daycamp starting-right-away-like-the-moms-with-real-jobs and so there is the problem of what will our kids do now that school is out and all their friends are in day camp.   I wouldn’t have been a part of this project if I hadn’t been standing around chatting with the mothers at the edge of the playground when the idea came up and Enthusiastic Mom ran with it and several multi-kid mom’s latched on because they hadn’t planned anything anyway because of upcoming travel or visitors or baseball or finances.

It’s a good thing I was there, because otherwise My Kid would spend all next week watching Hannah Montana and The Suite Life of Zach and Cody (I hate that show) and iCarly,  television shows wherein My Kid learns that  middle school is going to be great fun and grown-ups are sight gags. Meanwhile I would drink too much coffee and vibrate between the kitchen sink and my laptop trying to decide whether I should clean or cook or shop or do laundry or work on a clown piece or write or take My Kid to the park or the library or the beach or a museum and end up going to Target because it’s entertaining for her and has some errand accomplishing value for myself.

 Instead, for this coming week my friend, Enthusiastic Mom, has already  e-mailed me a spreadsheet schedule of when and where My Kid and I are supposed to be each day in order meet up with the other kids and mommies to do something stimulating and exciting with My Kid’s friends and assorted younger siblings. 

Meanwhile, there is some life in my life on the clown front.  The full-length show I proposed was not chosen for the New York Clown Theatre Festival this September, but they would like us to do a piece in one of their evenings of short works.  I forwarded that e-mail to my puppeteer partner but she didn’t respond.   Before I sent her another e-mail asking why she hadn’t  responded and would she be able to be in town to perform with me, and  what’s the matter didn’t she like the show we proposed or want to work with me anymore.  I googled the summer theatre where she is running the prop shop and noted in their calendar that they had 4 different shows open this week, so I let it slide for now.  I was on stage at the New York Downtown Clown Revue in a demonstration of Jef Johnson’s Clown Lab.  Kendall’s next project, “Clown Axiom”, went into rehearsal on Friday and I was there at Triskelion Studio on Williamsburg (after schlepping my kid to a begged-for babysit/playdate in Brooklyn Heights and the end of the day I took the girls swimming at the Y and then for pizza and then donughts with My Husband and then the next morning my kid’s friend’s mommy called and said her daughter was still asleep at nearly 11 am.  She reported that her child had gone from little girl to teenager in less than 24 hours.)  I attended some Clown Labs at Theatre Lab and The Producers Club and I got a 4th of July corporate gig through a Ringling contact.  So I’m not doing nothing.

But,

It feels like it sometimes.

My kid brought home a test today 20/24, 84%.  Can I just say my kid is 7.  Can I just say she only missed 4 questions.  

OK.  Next year, third grade is a big deal test in New York City.

We are supposed to go over with our child the questions that they missed.

First question:

3. Charles Blondin was a brave man.

In 1859, He crossed Niagra Falls of a tightrope.  Then he put on a blindfold and crossed the rushing water again.  But, that wasn’t all he did.  He walked the rope with stilts.  As his last trick, he walked halfway across the tightrope.  There he stopped for breakfast!  He cooked some eggs and ate them.  Then he made his way to the other side.

From this story you can tell:  A. Blondin was a poor swimmer.  B. Blondin was comfortable on the tightrope.  C.  Blondin was not afraid of water.

My kid chose C. which MUST BE TRUE but NOT AS TRUE as B.

The next question my kid missed: 

1. Yin-May was was driving on the road.  She saw an airplane over her car.  It was a warm day and her windows were rolled down.  Yin-May heard the plane’s engine go off and then on.  This happened many times.  The plane turned and came in low over the road.  The plane turned again.  Yin-May pulled off the road.

Which of these sentences is probably true? A. Yin-May was waiting for her mother. B. The plane had problems and needed to land. C. The pilot was counting the cars on the road.

My kid picked A.  Misreading waiting for wanting.  OF COURSE SHE WANTED HER MOTHER.  SHE WAS A KID DRIVING DOWN THE HIGHWAY AND A PLANE WAS GOING TO LAND ON HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next Question:

 In the 1800’s , a man from France wanted people all over the world to know that America stood for freedom.  He asked an artist friend to help him.  First the artist drew a picture of a woman wearing a long robe.  He showed the woman holding a torch and wearing a crown.  The statue was finished in 1886.  Now it stands on Liberty Island. It has greeted many people who have come to America.

Which of these sentences is probably true?  A. The man’s statue was never finished.  B.  The statue is the Statue of Liberty.  C. The statue stands for all artists.

OK so My Kid visited the Statue of Liberty just a couple of months ago when her cousins were in town.  FYI, on the island, at the museum of the Statue of Liberty MUCH IS MADE OF the delay,  of the completed statue not making it to the US by the 1876 Centennial Celebration and of Joseph Pulitzers penny campaign for school children to help fund the pedestal for the statue because they didn’t have one ready when the statue arrived and they needed to complete the unfinished project, of the statue being in storage…

SO MY KID, WHO SEE’S THE STATUE OF LIBERTY FROM THE BROOKLYN PROMENADE ON A REGULAR BASIS, (and therefore knows it was completed) –because of all the delays she learned about…   Plus, the Twin Towers that went down when she was 14 months old–the “Freedom Tower” is an unfinished project she’s heard about for as long as she can remember (freedom - liberty…What’s the difference?) My Kid chose A.

And finally:

3. Even though she didn’t speak, I knew Mom was mad.  Her face was red.  Her arms were crossed.  She was standing in the doorway tapping her foot.  I was late again.  I tried to run to my room fast.

Which of these sentences is probably true?

A. Mom was pleased with me.  B.  People can say things without using words.  C.  Mom shouted, and I knew she was mad.

OK My Kid picked A which must mean she doesn’t pay any attention to anything I say or do, which according to the other mommies on the playground is what the other 7 and 8-year-olds are doing as well.  (As in What part of; “Pick up your backpack we’re leaving now!” don’t you understand???)

I don’t know what to think of this except to think that “teaching to the test is teaching a child to STOP THINKING!”

I would like my child to know how to think.

Enough said.

I’m going over my calendar and feeling very guilty right now.  Kendall is working on a new show that I was hoping to be in, but most of the rehearsals will take place during our trip to Montana (for My Kid to spend time and celebrate her birthday with her grandparents and her cousins and also for me to attend the wedding of a childhood friend). When we bought our  plane tickets–of course we put it off too long–there was a lot of finagling with dates and times to get to fly free to Seattle with our JetBlue miles.  As it is The Husband and I are traveling separately because he has a new job and doesn’t want to be gone more than a week. Feeling a little blue in the wake of my parents departure after My Kid’s First Communion I wanted to extend our stay a little.  Also My Kid is not signed up for any day camp here in NYC so I was anxious to schedule some more of her summer days at a “vacation location”.   If we had gone two days later and come home on the 20th with The Husband instead of the 24th (which enables My Kid to do some special activities with her cousins) I would only have been available for two more of the scheduled rehearsals.  That’s not much help.  Why do I feel so guilty? Is it because I’m Catholic?  Is it because I’m a woman?  Is it because I’m a mother? Is it because I exist?

I should be doing a million things (like cleaning–yuck and writing grant proposals–yuck), but instead I am hiding from the heat in our air-conditioned bedroom next to our sleeping daughter googling randomly.  It started with an on-line search for Brownie Girl Scout Try-It badges (because I have to get the requests into her leader today.)  I thought I could find badges she could get for the work she did in preparation for her First Communion or as a member of her school’s FirstLEGO Robotics team (there must be a badge, we saw Girl Scout First LEGO League teams at the Javits Center in April)

Then I googled Cirque du Solelil’s KOOZA because I was still thinking about this weekend.  I had hoped to see the production which was playing in Philadelphia yesterday when we were there and there were matinee tickets available.  I knew this because had the concierge check for me.  (KOOZA was concieved and directed by David Shiner whose workshop I was taking last fall when the seeds for the piece I did last week were planted)   But, My Kid didn’t want to go see the Cirque du Soleil  (Her concept of the show was probably damaged by the Simpson’s unflattering “Cirque du Puree”).   She was there to swim in the hotel pool and we had already dragged her to one theatrical experience not of her choosing. The Husband wasn’t backing me up, and I wasn’t selling it well.  We live on the East Coast, KOOZA will be in the region for months, it was not our only chance to see the production.  Other than seeing Bill Irwin’s show we were just there for a relaxing weekend get away. My Kid has been sick, The Husband was tired and the weather was HOT. So even though we could see the trademark tent from the hotel–nobody but me thought it was a great idea to go there.  Sigh.

David Shiner worked with Bill Irwin in “Fool Moon” which The Husband and I saw together in Seattle.  I googled Bill Irwin because he’s, well, he’s Bill Irwin and I saw his show this weekend.  I enjoyed the fact that his home page hasn’t been updated recently enough to include the current production even though it’s nearing the end of its run.  Bill Irwin led to the name Bruce Hurlbut, who played the piano for “Scapin” on Broadway and also for  the melodrama “The Drunkard” at the University of Montana when I, as a short thin high school student, played the child in the show.  His name led to the website of a new theatre in Washington full of our old Annex friends including Andrea Allen and Allison Narver and Jack Bentz who we had hoped could marry us but who wasn’t quite finished with seminary when we looked into it at the time.  I think he hooked us up with the priest from Seattle U who did marry us.

Gosh I feel so connected.

As The Husband and My Child are playing miniature air hockey (it’s really cute 6-inch table we got at the gift shop of the Please Touch Museum) on the train from Trenton, as we make our way back to Brooklyn from Philadelphia, it seems as good a time as any to write a blog entry.

Halfway through Bill Irwin’s show last night, my heart started racing as my mind wandered from his work, “The Happiness Lectures” to my work and what if anything I would do next.  Thank God I can’t compare myself to him since in addition to being a MacArthur and Tony award winner he is also tall and male, two things that never come into play when I create my own work.  

When I was at Clown College (Class of ‘89, Bill Irwin who I’ve shaken hands with but don’t know, was Class of ‘74) there came a point, when we were watching lots of black and white silent movies and learning the classic slap and fall gags.  Almost everyone went to their designer and said they wanted big black shoes and baggy pants. The women in the class were told point blank that they couldn’t have big black shoes and baggy pants “…because Mr. Feld only hires girl clowns who look like girls.”   We were told the number of women clowns who were hired depended on the number of show girls who were hired.  Women clowns lived on the showgirl car.  More showgirls meant fewer slots for women clowns and so those who were hired had better look like girls.  Otherwise he may as well hire a guy and avoid the complications.

I don’t know why I thought of that, except that Bill Irwin does so much with his baggy pants and his big black shoes.

Well, I’m glad I did it.  The piece worked.  A couple of people said “it was beautiful”.

I had, let me see, I think 10 different bags plus two umbrellas, a big one and a child size one, shirts on hangers in plastic and a plant in a cup.  Within the different bags I had specific props as well, like the cupcake fixin’s.

It’s a prop heavy piece.

The costume worked.  The makeup worked.  The music worked.  The props worked.

It worked because it was on a real stage with lights.  I love stage lighting.  It does half the work for you.

I would be willing to do it again. 

I want to work on stages with proper stage lighting.

This is not a clown piece that can be done at the edge of a street festival or in a mall.  

I did “a piece for the theatre.”

It’s something I want to work on some more.

That’s a good thing.

I just got home from rehearsal at the Producers Club.  I had to take my kid with me, bribing her with the promise of a McDonald’s Happy Meal in Times Square if she was good.  She only disrupted once, when she was running up the aisle and fell and scraped about 5 inches of her shin.  There was no blood, but there will be a bruise and there were tears.  My clown piece is about multi-tasking and living for somone else–like my kid who interrupted my rehearsal with her injury and her tears.

On the way home she asked me;  ”Why are you wearing high-heels and lawyer pants?”

I think I got the costume right!  I am trying to look like a professional woman.  The clothes I chose for my costume in browns and blacks are from my own closet and the outfit I put together is similar to the clothes worn by the mothers of my child’s classmates who are lawyers.  The only clown makeup I’ll have on is a small circle of red glitter on my nose and a clear rhinestone under each eye.  Other than that I will wear normal stage makeup which for a small house is just street makeup a little thicker and a little darker; foundation, lipstick, eyeliner and mascara.

This piece is for the Emerging Artists Theatre (EAT) Laugh Out Loud Festival.  I am in tomorrow’s lineup. 

I feel much better about it now, after rehearsal, than I did last night and this morning when I didn’t know if I was going to be able to work on the piece any more at all.   I was preoccupied with my parents arrival tomorrow evening to the  point of wondering if I should back out of the perfomance so I could be at home to greet my parents when they arrive and let them into the apartment.

The key I sent my parents so they can let themselves into my apartment when they come from the airport did not arrive and will not arrive because of the holiday weekend.  There were multiple phone conversations about contingency plans involving neighbors, the landlord and possible going straight up to mid-town to either watch my piece or to sit in a hotel lobby because that’s where people with luggage can feel most comfortable (at least I do).  But, my parents would rather wander around my neighborhood in Brooklyn because it is less populus and they were here once two years ago.  They want to hang out in the diner, but our local diner closes at 5:00pm.  They will be less comfortable in the pub and I fear they will go with their luggage for just a short time and then sit on our stoop for a very long time.  Please don’t sit out on the stoop with your luggage in the dark.

 Last time they were here my dad started to take out his wallet on the steps of the Museum of Natural History and I said “Dad don’t!” and the homeless guy went away and then kept circling back to curse me as we ate our ice cream.  I felt like a terrible person.  But, I also didn’t want my dad to take out his wallet in his slow Midwestern way in such a touristy place where pickpockets and muggers scope out potential victims.

 By the way, my cell phone was lost–OR STOLEN–last Wednesday.  I had to take out my credit card and pay full price for a new phone because I didn’t have phone insurance.  I used it twice walking down Montague Street right after I sent the keys to my parents from the mailing store.  Somone must have seen it fall out of my pocket and instead of saying “hey lady you dropped your phone!” as I would have done.  They picked it up and kept it.  I know because as soon as I realized it was gone, I started calling it from pay phones.  The first two times I called it rang and rang and then went to voice mail.  The second two times I called, it went straight to voicemail.  So somebody picked it up.  And that somebody kept it.  And that somebody turned it off.  They could have answered and told me where they were and I could have met them and gotten it back.  I was still within blocks of anywhere I could have possibly dropped it.

When I was on the phone last night my mother kept asking me specific questions about where things were and what are the names of the cross streets and all I could say was, well I don’t know, I can google it and call you back.  She’d say no I didn’t need to do that.  I was braced for it this time.  

Last time they visited I was humiliated by my inability to answer a single specific question–and my parents asked a lot of specific questions.  (I gave my family the Meyers-Briggs test once when I was still living at home.  I’m an INFP and my other family members tend to be ISTJ.  

Digresson:  Meyers-Briggs has 16 combinations on some continium of I or E (Introverted or Extroverted) N or S (Intuiting or Sensing) F or T (Feeling or Thinking) and P or J (Perceiving or Judging).  Basically all my information comes from feelings and impressions and other members of my family of origin get their information from actual facts.  Other than the Empire State Building and the Chrysler Building, I couldn’t name any a single building on the New York skyline.  We had been in New York for several years when my parents finally came to see us and I thought I should know more.  I was mortified.  I couldn’t give them directions to the nearest Catholic Church (of course they wanted to go to morning mass…)  I could have showed them if we had gone out the front door and I could have pointed to the cross street at the end of the block, and bent my arm and pointed my finger in the way they should walk.  They would have come to the church, it is impossible to miss.  But, I didn’t know the specifics.  I didn’t know the name of the cross street for the church.  I didn’t know if the turn was left or right (without facing towards the street it is on and making the L with my index finger and my thumb to know which way is left).  Of course I don’t know North, South, East or West (UNLESS THE SUN IS ACTIVELY RISING OR SETTING) I don’t know how many blocks away the church is.   I have never counted (I never needed to I just see it every time I go that way).    Later in the visit when we were on a subway platform on our way to some tourist destination my mom asked innocently “Will we see such and such?”  I blew up.  ”I DON’T KNOW!”  My mom was sad and I felt bad.  

I’m pretty sure I have some sort of learning disability.  Apparently I’m bright enough to have faked it all these years.  But, there are definite gaps and they have never gone away.

So I am a clown.

I have a show tomorrow.

From the Salt Lake Tribune:

 In its unanimous nine-page decision, the three-judge panel said the Department of Family and Protective Services Court of appeals ruling case was legally and factually insufficient and 51st District Judge Barbara Walther acted improperly when she ordered about 450 children to stay in state custody. 

    The court said the state failed in a mass April 17-18 hearing to prove any of its key claims that the sect’s beliefs, communal households or underage marriages put every child in the community “in urgent” danger. 

    “There is simply no evidence specific to [the mothers'] children at all except that they exist, they were taken into custody at the Yearning for Zion Ranch, and they are living with people who share a ‘pervasive belief system’ that condones underage marriage and underage pregnancy,” the court said. 

This is a story that disturbed me intensly when it happened over a month ago.  The State of Texas Child Protective Services accompanied by armed SWAT teams raided the Yearning for Zion ranch and took over 400 children into custody.

 This did nothing to ease my personal fear of the State of Texas and the people who love it (Present President included).

Years ago I saw a segment on 60 Minutes or 20/20 about a family in Texas of Middle Eastern ethnicity (who knows it’s Texas they may have been Greek or Italian).  Anyway, they lived in a small town and they were different (which in Texas means NOT CHRISTIAN).  Apparently the children were taken away from the parents because while at a public elementary school sporting event the older boy was in the father, carrying his daughter who was about 4-years-old at the time was seen to pat her butt.  The children were taken away by Texas authorities and the parents were accused of sexual abuse and it took them two years to get their kids back.  Unpleasant things stick in the mind and this story stuck in my mind and flashed across the television screen in my brain ruining occasions when I noticed my own daughters yummy butt which fit in my hand like a piece of fruit AND THE THOUGHT AND ACTION AT THE CORE OF MY BEING WAS MY BABY IS SO SMALL AND BEAUTIFUL NOW, YET SO MUCH BIGGER THAN SHE WAS, IN SUCH A SHORT TIME SHE WILL NO LONGER BE THIS SWEET SIZE.  Nope, no sexual feelings.  None.  Oh wait, I was a nursing mother that’s something they object to in Texas,  That was the thing that upset me the most.

 Nursing toddlers and walking babies (under 12 months could stay with their mothers over 12 months and one day–straight to foster care)  Several of these children under 2, who had never been away from their mothers ended up in hospitals suffering from dehydration and shock after being taken away from their homes and weaned at gunpoint.  No kidding.  My child would have ended up in the hospital.  I was generally a very attentive parent, but once when when she was about 14 months old, we were going on a trip and the clock was ticking I put her in her crib and left her alone because I had to finish the packing and everything I needed to do before we left for the airport.  She never fell asleep.  She screamed for hours until I picked her up to carry her out the door because the car service had arrived.  She would have been one to cry to the point of dehydration.  The parenting books I looked at all address separation anxiety and how long separations must be worked up to over time and filled with love and other familiar adults (like grandparents).

 Even if the danger of sexual abuse the Texas authorities were concerned about existed, they could have addressed it by taking all the girls over 10 or 12 into custody.  These are large children, they read and write and speak English fluently, posess the ability to debate even…

I can’t bend my mind around the thought processes of Texas authorities who decided the best way to protect these toddlers from marrying too young and becoming pregnant teenagers was to send in SWAT teams and wean them at gunpoint.

I saw Gypsy on Broadway today!

OK I think I myself was completely warped by playing “Dainty June” in a UM Summer Stock production of Gypsy.  My  New York stage clown friends frequently try to get me to stop being “ON” in front of an audience and I realize now there was some feeling of sucess in playing that cartoon vaudeville child that still worked at RBBCC and that I still cling to in some clown situations.  I went to Clown College there was something about it that worked better than anything else I had ever done…

I’m not “Dainty June” anymore, I’m “Mama Rose” now!

Even last night at Clownlab, an exercise and I started doing a spot-on imitation of Sally Anne Howes as the “Music Box Doll” in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang–and I just stopped for no reason–it was just an improv game.  We were just supposed to be action figures–whatever that meant–I started out as “Wonder Woman”.  Whatever the exercise was meant to be it became a send up of ’70’s toys and movies.   It wasn’t like I was auditioning for a play a someone else…

Something about not having permission to be…

This performing thing is complicated…

No wonder my child is not interested…

Patty LuPone was incredible today

Also

Boyd Gaines, who is married to someone I went to high school with, is absolutely charming

I was wondering who the hyper-energetic-girl-I-knew/mare-at-the-starting-gate, has turned into to be married to such a charming man  It must be worth a drink or a coffee to find out.

I am aware of their plays.  I wanted to see Contact at Lincoln Center, but I had a baby and there was that 9/11 event that constricted movement and enthusiasm.  My friend was in The Country Girl and Coram Boy both of which closed before I got around to seening them.  I really meant to seee Twelve Angry Men and really really regretted not seeing it after I had to spend two months of my life as a juror on a Brooklyn murder trial.

I have had no contact with her since we first were moving to New York and my sister got her sister to give her e-mail to me and we corresponded about strollers appropriate to the city.

Tonight,

A dinner at Tratoria Spagetto in Greenwich Village between the church and the fountain.  I love the “Lady and the Tramp” eating spagettiI aesthetic of the place.

The husband’s former co-worker who moved back to India and lives in Bangalore, his wife and daughter.  We have much hope for their classes to exchange letters–”Wow you live in a totally different country, but you have the Disney Channel too!!!! OMG”  Also the husbands former boss and socially ept wife–when will we organize joint vacations???  There are posibilities…

I lost or had stolen my cell phone today,  had to pay for a new one to keep myself and my life in the same place, a future essay I owe this blog about the evils of sharecropping in cyper-space…

.  

Wake up-pack lunch-take the kid to school-come back home pack a case with costumes and props-take train to Times Square-rehearse at the Producers Club-take the train to Lower East Side-eat a bagel-meet the family-my kid goes to Japanese-My husband and I take advantage of the time and go to pub across the street to talk through the week:  Tomorrow-I-am -going-to-see-the-matinee-of-Gypsy-we-will-have-dinner-in-Greenwich-Village-with-our-friends-from-India-and-his-former-boss-and-wife-my-Kid-has-a-field-trip-on-Thursday-and-I-may-have-more-studio-time-Friday-the-kid-and-I-will-go-on- the-Girl-Scout-campout-My-husband-will-fly-to-Seattle-Saturday-my-parents-will-arrive-in-New-York-on-Tuesday-but-not-in-time-to-see-my -perfomance-on-Tuesday-maybe-husband-will-return-to-New-York-on-Thursday-The Kid-will-make-her-First-Communion-on-Saturday-(I-still-need-to-make-dinner-reservations)-The-Kid-will-have-a-Japanese-Closing-Ceremony-on-Sunday-On-Monday-my-parents-will-return-to-Montana-and-my-husband-will-start-his-new-job…

After sushi after Japanese we all walk down 14th Street.  They take the train home to Brooklyn and I go to Theatre Lab for a Clown Lab.