I am still struggling with the production process and how it all went down, how Kendall was disappointed with my work and I was so upset that I shook.
Because Kendall told me that I was drifty and unfocused in rehearsal and because of all the talk about stepping up and taking on production tasks, I didn’t feel as though I had a right to say something like, “This is not what I expected, I cannot do this work by myself, I did not plan to spend my week this way. Instead I didn’t say anything to Kendall, begged my busy stressed-out husband to spend his home time helping me to do volunteer clerical tasks–which was stressful. I let other things slide in the process of focusing on the marketing letter that seemed to be an audience building whim. I mistakenly put off important things like getting my bio and blog up on the NYCMOMSBLOG website and talking to family members about the developing plans for a 50th wedding anniversary family vacation to make a priority out of something which ended up costing me money and making me feel bad.
I hesitated to “step up” and commit in a meeting in a conference room in July, to essentially clerical tasks that would need to be accomplished during and after the beginning of school. From the very first rehearsal I was thrown off center when we had our first talk back and I said “I don’t feel entirely here in the studio.” And I expected other people to say things like “Yeah me too.” and “I can’t believe summer is over already.” Instead, Kendall said “What do you need to do about that? More sleep? Better nutrition?” I was the week between flying back to New York from Montana and the start of school. My time and priorities belonged to The Husband and My Kid and I was not expecting to schedule any “me time” with Pilates classes and lap swims at the Y until after My Kid started school.
As it turned out those planned workouts also slipped off the agenda as I tried to get the marketing letter done.
Because I don’t work I think I can do anything and whatever I have in mind to do gets pushed to the back burner because I live with the flexibility to do that (in the event of My Kid coming down with a cold and staying home from school or being available to chaperone a class field trip. During this production I also was deflecting daily requests to volunteer to be a class parent. It’s easy to give my time away. It takes so much effort to keep it for myself.