Finally after such a long time I feel happy and relieved after rehearsal.
The day in the studio went well. Kendall told us that even though the show isn’t put together we have all the parts and some good material. She also said she is aware that some people have reactions to her in a position of authority that she didn’t expect and that she is aware that sometimes in rehearsal trying to be heard above the music her voice may sound harsh. I know she doesn’t want to do everything herself and we have all volunteered to get things done towards the production. But she has cast herself as the artistic director of the company and has our tacit approval by our participation in the shows that she creates. So it is not unexpected that we would look to her for direction.
I still had a great deal of anxiety going into rehearsal. My level of anxiety over my performance in this rehearsal process has been way out of proportion with the production. It’s just six performances. It’s the cabaret space. We aren’t even in the eight o’clock slot. While riding the subway I decided that if my work ethic or commitment or willingness to try was questioned I would say, “I’m here. If you want me to leave I will.” Guess what, I had an opportunity to say just that and it was such a relief. All this talk about “stepping up and trying harder” has had upon me (and I suspect some of the others) the opposite of the intended effect.
There was this weird game where we got into groups according to wether we feel really good about the show where it is at this point, whether we think its terrible or wether we are confused. I put myself in the confused group and when she asked me if I was confused with the follow up what can you do about that I said, “…Medication?!”
Finally there was a request for how do people feel about the production work and clowning. I broke the silence with, “Well I judge my clowning by my computer skills.”
It felt good to get it out. Maybe it was misunderstood today but I don’t think so. I think I was clear and concise. I think I expressed with as few words as possible that I’m not entirely healthy about this show and if the work I’m doing in the studio is not acceptable as it is then I need to not be in this show. I guess that’s a little strong. The Husband said, “Wow” when I told him I said, “I am here, if you don’t want me here I will leave.” Most people weren’t saying anything and the gung-ho girl scouts in the group were repeating their usual I always work hard and I am committed phrases.
I don’t understand how people can say; “I always do my best.” I never know if I’ve done my best until it’s all over.